Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Wordiness Practice

Let's make these more concise!

22 comments:

  1. I was immediately aware of the fact I was standing dangerously close to the stern of the boat, within inches of tumbling overboard into the opaque water.

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  2. I noticed their red faces with sweat dripping like rain and the tears in their eyes.

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  3. Right after breakfast I ran to my room, excited to play the few chords I could recognize from watching my dad play. The newly discovered feeling of the thick bronze strings pushing into my chubby fingertips dismayed me, because the chords I played didn't sound the way they should've.

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  4. The look on her face was apprehensive yet filled with immense joy.

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  5. "I'll be done here in a second," My grandfather echoed, also engrossed in a collection of rocks for sale.

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  7. Something moist on my right cheek pulls me away from my thoughts. I wipe the back of my hand over my face and recognize the salty sac of water. The tears begin...

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  8. Katie, still at the other side of the pool, hadn't understood anything and held on to the side of the pool, laughing at our aunt's clothes.

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  9. I took a small bite out of my Little Debbie mini muffin.

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  10. Her new pink backpack slumped off of her shoulder, and as it did, her bear fell out.

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  11. Collapsing onto the snow covered trailer beside the barrel racing arena, we laid down, catching our breath and laughing uncontrollably about the incidents that happened only moments ago.

    (comma sentence)
    For hours we played in the snow, dancing and twirling and proclaiming "We're in Narnia!", movie theme music playing through our heads.

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  12. The thoughts swirled about his head and a huge smile spread across his face so big his teeth showed.

    As he opened the car door, she slipped gracefully into the front seat as he closed it and walked to the driver seat, turned on the car, and began to drive down the road.

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  13. A fair-haired dimpled boy morphed into a gawky teenager, a gawky teenager into an idealistic college student, and eventually into the adult we recognized.

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  15. There were so many angles mixed with delicate shapes like a carefully sewn piece of iron lace.

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  16. I got up to give him a hug and I looked into his eyes.

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  18. The image dissolved into a salty liquid that poured down my cheeks.

    My face plunged through emptiness to my pale, white palms.

    In the nonexistent shades of black inside my eyelids, the unbearable image flashed just long enough to register.

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  19. Do you believe in guardian angels? I would have never thought about it beforehand, but after my experience over the previous fall break, I am able to say I beleive. As I look back on the nerve-racking incident, I realize the importance of what happened.

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  21. While sitting alone with my distressed miniature thoughts within the oversized silence, I inhaled the saucy smell of Chef Boyardee wafting in from the next room.

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  22. The next weeks followed with daily periods of "show off my Frankenstein thumb."

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